I WANT MY SUV

 Consumption, on the surface, is not a bad thing.  Without consumption there wouldn't be an America's Biggest Loser show on NBC.  Mike Tyson wouldn't have a pet tiger.  John Travolta wouldn't have a pet pilot.  I am not opposed to any of that.  That is not the consumption that I will be writing about.
 I choose to focus on the effects of everyday consumption.  Maybe help the peeps realize that their consumption has consequences.   Put that slip 'n slide away,  farmers don't have enough water for their cauliflower crops.    Car pooling is a better form of social networking than Facebook.    Just because you are having hot flashes doesn't mean we have to turn on the overhead fan.  Look on the box of Hamburger Helper and see what the ingredients are before ingesting it.  Modifying behavior could alter the world that we live in.  Seemingly a simple solution.  Not so fast my friends, because most Americans have become the Gordon Gekkos of consumption.
 To improve current conditions,  everybody needs to chip in.  Your brother-in-law, your favorite parking control officer, the gap-toothed clerk at Taco Bell.  Everyone.  People need to buy into the concept that consuming less will aid others.  That seems fair.   Yet, folks are reluctant to make changes to the quality of their own lives.  "As long as changing doesn't equate to sacrifice - I'm in."  People have an aversion to dialing back.  "Don't be messin' with my comfort levels."  Come on people.  We shouldn't have to twist your arm.  There are infinite ways to help.  Show up!!!
 Americans should not be frightened by the solar panels coming out of Ed Begley Jr.'s ass.  Rather than mock him, think maybe that he is on to something.   Even if you think that using the sun for energy is anti-American,  turn off a few lights in some of the empty rooms of your house.  Rooms that you haven't been in since 1956.  Think twice about hitting puree on your blender while your dishwasher and washing machine are running.  Following that up; why don't you try and convince your neighbors that they don't have to use up enough energy to power Uganda with their Xmas decorations.  Keep your porch light on.  Santa will find your chimney.
 You don't have to think that you are a member of Greenpeace by taking your own grocery bags into Von's.  Take pride in telling the grocery bagger to "put the fruit loops in here." Saying no to plastic bags doesn't make you a Socialist; or worse than that a European.  You might even save a dolphin from strangling itself.  Flipper lives because of you.  You can now sleep at night.
  Avarice is not regional.  California has been experiencing a drought for the past few years.  Water usage guidelines were put into effect by the state.  There were strict rules as to when you could water your lawn and bathe your matted golden retriever named Nixon.  For about five minutes the citizenry showed some civic pride.  A sense of duty.  Then it rained for two days in February.  The drought was then considered over by liberal and conservative Californians alike.  Two days of drizzle had apparently replenished the snow packs of the Sierra Nevadas.  Lake Tahoe was ready for jet skiis.  Folks immediately went back to taking one hour showers and hosing down their driveways moving away leaves and discarded fast food restaurant menus.  Sadly, predictable.
 The right of passage in South Carolina is that every high school senior should get as a graduation gift an SUV.  The bigger the better.  When I was younger the only person that even had a station wagon was the alcoholic little league manager.  Now all these kids head off to the beach driving vehicles that could house large circus animals.  What about getting your kid a hybrid?  Something that helps cut down on our dependency to support Middle-Eastern dictatorships.  "Where does it say in the Constitution that I can't guzzle? Oh, and I don't like Obama either."
 In NYC, Mayor Michael Bloomberg said that Big Gulps weren't exactly helping keeping its citizens away from future health issues.  He might have opined, "that maybe if you weren't pouring down sixteen ounces of straight sugar into your throat - that hospital diabetic coma costs might have a chance of coming down."  He was immediately thought of as an evil War Lord for making the suggestion that sodas should be taxed.  "What's he going to do next? Tell us that smoking is bad for us too? Oh, and tell that Michelle Obama to shut her pie hole while you're at it.  Don't want her telling my kids that they can't eat their twinkies either."
 I wish that we could self-regulate all of this stuff.  I had to spend years convincing my Dad to recycle.  People hated to be told to buckle up their seat belts.  They would rather have had their head smash through a windshield than be regulated.  Maybe it is the fact that someone can purchase over six thousand rounds of ammo over the internet that I don't feel too optimistic about self-regulation.
 In most neighborhoods they have a Ned.  His house is continually lit up more than the Encore in Vegas.  His front lawn is a flood basin since his sprinklers have been on since the first episode of Big Brother started airing earlier in the summer.  He has two SUV's.  His belly almost reaches his shoes and he has an NRA sticker on the bumper of his car.  Unfortunately, Ned is America.  He is the one that is allowed to roam where the buffalo can't.  Unreachable to anything that seems to be a "cause".
   Government is continually blamed for our nation's problems.  I don't deny that government action and inaction have made a mess of things.  But, governments don't throw Starbucks' cups out of a moving car.  Governments don't tell you to run your a/c 24/7.  Governments don't tell you to finish that last Chip Ahoy. Personal accountability can help point this country in a better direction.  Start today.   Consume responsibly.  I have already.  I drive a Prius and never liked Big Gulps.  Not giving up my slip 'n slide though.

MANGER MANAGEMENT

 I must admit that I am not a religious person.  I don't consider myself an atheist because that would involve constructing a point of view.  As a kid I would always mumble "under God" when I said the Pledge of Allegiance.  I wasn't going to make a court case out of it.  I was building my career as the "class clown" then and didn't want my disbelief to detract from that.  At the time I had a fickle fan base.  There was some mention of God in my little league pledge too.  That was probably the one time that I flirted with religion as I asked the Supreme Being to let me hit the ball out of the infield at least once in my life.  I guess the man upstairs was busy; as I continued to take another third strike.

 Here's what I believe in:  I have the best wife in the world.  Dwight Howard should be a Laker.  Treat every person the way you would want to be treated unless they work for an insurance company.  That's it, and it gets me through the day.  I don't worry about an afterlife.  I worry about who is going to be eliminated on Master Chef.

 I never felt the need to share my beliefs with anyone.  I never felt the need to tell believers not to believe.  Whatever gets you through the day.  If you wanted to take your kids to church on Sunday morning while I watched the Patriots and the Giants game - more power to you.  Hope you make it back for the fourth quarter.
 But, things have changed.  Religion has more than crept into politics, legal questions, and civil rights issues.  Not all religions are doing the creeping.  Haven't seen Buddhists trying to close J.C. Penney stores because of Ellen DeGeneres commercials.  Haven't heard much from the organization:  Jews Against Planned Parenthood.  Hindus in sweltering heat aren't disputing climate change.

 It has gone beyond the blowhards like the late Jerry Falwell.  Now, there are well run and heavily financed organizations that make Jack Abramoff look like a meek lobbyist.  Groups like the Family Research Council.  Their President is an aptly named Tony Perkins.  A psycho in a thousand dollar suit.  He believes that his voice and the voice of his organization is just as legitimate as others.  He and his followers certainly have a right to their voice but I wouldn't categorize it as legitimate.  I would characterize Mr. Perkins and his group as an organization that is closer to the grassy knoll conspiracy freaks than rational thinkers.

 "It says so right here in the Bible."  Where does it say, "Love thy neighbor unless they are a series regular on Glee".  Tony Perkins was quoted as saying, "The month of June has been declared gay pride month.  When is adultery pride month? When is Drunkenness pride month?"  What an idiot! Everybody knows that Drunkennness pride month depends on when Spring Break is.  Adultery pride is not limited on a monthly basis.  See Tiger Woods; or former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

 It is not just these "you gotta believe what we believe" organizations.  The Catholic Church has decided to make up their own workplace rules.  If you are a non-Catholic nurse working in a Catholic hospital you will not be able to get a morning after pill prescription filled.  After a day of cleaning bed pans these poor nurses can't go home and get laid.  That sounds worse than the old days of burning women with opinions at the stake.

 Vaginal probes, closing abortion clinics, denial of global warming oh my.  All points of view derived from religious beliefs.  In years passed I didn't care if Jack Kennedy was a Catholic.  I didn't care if Reagan went to church or not.  I always thought that they were able to separate Noah from Roe vs. Wade.  That seems to have changed.  Now, it is important to know if your candidate believes in evolution; or really believes that the world was created in ten days including the widening of the lanes on the 405.  If you are going to be the leader of the free world it is not wrong if the candidate is asked this question, "It is 100 degrees on January 2 in Milwaukee - thoughts?"

 Feel free to believe in what you believe in.  The secular world is not the enemy.  Just let Elton John marry whomever he wants, let a woman decide who or what goes into her vagina, and let kids study science like many of us did in the old days when our country thought that it was important for the youth to be educated.  God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.