The Presidential campaign has started. This is crack for political pundits. Not that great a time for the citizenry. Great ideas and looking for solutions get tossed aside. Both sides look desperately for compromising photos of the other's candidate having more than a mimosa with John Travolta. Let's see if we can debunk; or move on from some of the inanities that will pop up in the months to come.
With the exception of Rosie O'Donnell, Michelle Obama does not hate fat people. Asking a chub to have a piece of mango instead of a Hostess Ho Ho is not exactly Marxism. Being fit is important for one's health. Maybe not for one's career: think Jonah Hill. Asking tubby to do a sit-up should not be considered government over-regulation. Michelle is not saying that everybody has to be rail-thin like her prisoner of war-looking husband. She knows that that is not a good look for everybody. All she wants is for most people, including Paula Deen, to see their feet again.
What's wrong with being born in Kenya? I'd rather say that I was born there than say I was from Burbank. Nice warm climate. Very good for the skin. You don't have to drive down to San Diego to see wild animals. You might run into George Clooney on his way to Somalia or wherever. I saw on House Hunters International that you can get a 3 bedroom apartment with a view dirt cheap. That comes complete with the elephant shower head. With skype, Kenya really isn't that far away.
Rev. Wright again. Please! He's not exactly the first person in charge of religion to say something outlandish. If you truly analyze some of his quotes they aren't really that far out there. Here's one of my faves that he said during the Democratic primary of 2008: "Barack knows what it means living in a country and a culture that is controlled by rich white people. Hillary ain't never been called a nigger."
I defy anyone to say that they have ever heard Ms Clinton called the n-word. I know that she's taken a lot of flack over some of her pant suits that she has worn, but it never got that vile that the n-word was ever used. Why would Obama be listening to Rev Wright anyway? Isn't the Prez a Muslim? Think of Rev. Wright as that wacky Uncle that needs to be cut off after his second vodka and tonic and move on.
Speaking of rich white people, Mitt Romney has been a victim of sideshow silliness too. Take his dog Seamus. Actually; take his dog Seamus. The Romneys put him on top of their car and drove off. When questioned about the incident Seamus responded, "Hey, I liked the wind in my hair. It was much better than when they took me hang gliding I gotta tell you. Besides, I only got sick once up on the roof. It wasn't from the drive, but more from reading that my owner had flip-flopped on abortion once again. Make up your mind Dog Daddy!"
Bullying in high school was different forty some years ago when Mitt was in school. Who knew then that gay people were going to turn out so successful? A gay guy that we used to tease in high school now owns Melrose Avenue. Elton John goes to his party. He wasn't that bad looking as I recall. I'm beginning to think that the heterosexual path that I chose could have turned out very differently if I hadn't been so mean to Todd. But, enough about me. Mitt doesn't hate gay people. He even has a top advisor that is gay. Oops, not any more.
What's wrong with being rich? The only down side that I see is that poor people hate you. Other than that, who wouldn't want an elevator in their garage. Rich people don't pay enough taxes. None of us do. We all take deductions. I give $100 a year to an animal shelter and I deduct that. Romney gives $40 million a year to a Swiss bank account and he deducts that. Doesn't he? Oh well, it's all good.
I hope that I have cleared up a few of these non-issues. Minimized their importance. Now we can move on to the economy, infrastructure, and education. Vital issues. That is, until that first Travolta photo surfaces.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
FOR RICHER, FOR POORER, FOR CALLING TIME WARNER
Question: What is the difference between a pit bull and a hockey Mom? Answer: I don't know. I didn't marry a hockey Mom.
My wife's stock has definitely risen over the almost twenty years of marriage. Let's say I went on Antique Roadshow and brought the wife to the bow-tied host. I would have told him what I thought my wife's value was in 1993 when we were married. His bow tie would begin to spin out of control. Then he would have said to me to take a seat. The almost-straight host would have compared the worth of my wife today to finding an original copy of the Magna Carta at a garage sale.
The wife has mad skillz. She can bake a corn pie and also parallel park. She's an accomplished potter. Very artistic. We have no ceramic ash trays in the house. She is a talented interior designer that knows how to spell the word sconce and install crown moulding. While I am typing this she is hanging new curtains in the breakfast room. She has two attributes that make me love her the most. 1. She is not challenged by technology. 2. She deals with stuff.
My skill set is different than the wife's. I am good at jesting. I have the ability to find fault. What I can't do is anything with my hands. Maybe I could manipulate a puppet, but that would be about it. I said puppet, not marionette.
The wife, on the other hand, installed shelving in the garage. While she was doing that I cleaned the litter box. The wife stripped two chairs and re-finished them. While she was doing that I took out the trash. "I bet you don't even pump your own gas!" Hey, the wife likes to do that for me. Get off of my back and my lawn.
When it comes to technology I am like that Tom Hanks character from Cast Away when he returns to civilization. Only I never was on a deserted island for ten years. I don't have an ATM card. I have a cell phone that I barely use. I don't want apps on my phone. The wife on the other hand has apps on her phone that tell her which restaurants in L.A. specializes in grits.
Yes, she knows how the automatic sprinklers turn on and off. Yes, she can record The Good Wife and I can't. Yes, as daylight savings time arrives, she can change the clock in my Prius. She orders our prescriptions with the push of a button on her phone. Hey, even yesterday I saw her deposit a check by taking a photo of it. I bet Penn and Teller couldn't do that.
As I mentioned earlier the wife knows how to deal with stuff. One of her favorite lines is, "May I talk to your supervisor". For years she has been called either Ma Barker or Scary Potter. Gloria Allred is afraid of her. She went to the local hospital and demanded an itemized bill once. Two of the hospital's employees were put on a "suicide watch" after dealing with her. By the way, $117 for a toothbrush, that was removed from the hospital bill.
Most people fear dealing with their cable company. Cable companies fear dealing with the wife. You can never quite win the war with Time Warner but the wife has won a few skirmishes with them. I think that we are now getting another Cinemax channel that shows a lot of breasts for no extra charge.
The wife actually took down Blue Shield health insurance once. That is the holy grail of victories as far as I am concerned. After the fourth or fifth time that you are put on hold they figure that you will give up. "Nobody puts Ma Barker into the corner." She got so far up the chain of command arguing her point that I think that she actually talked to Mr. Shield himself.
You are probably saying to yourself, "Where the hell is Simon when the wife is making all the calls? Having all these fights?" I make no apologies for my inactivity. Don't blame me for marrying well. I told you I didn't marry a hockey Mom. I never said I didn't marry a pit bull!
My wife's stock has definitely risen over the almost twenty years of marriage. Let's say I went on Antique Roadshow and brought the wife to the bow-tied host. I would have told him what I thought my wife's value was in 1993 when we were married. His bow tie would begin to spin out of control. Then he would have said to me to take a seat. The almost-straight host would have compared the worth of my wife today to finding an original copy of the Magna Carta at a garage sale.
The wife has mad skillz. She can bake a corn pie and also parallel park. She's an accomplished potter. Very artistic. We have no ceramic ash trays in the house. She is a talented interior designer that knows how to spell the word sconce and install crown moulding. While I am typing this she is hanging new curtains in the breakfast room. She has two attributes that make me love her the most. 1. She is not challenged by technology. 2. She deals with stuff.
My skill set is different than the wife's. I am good at jesting. I have the ability to find fault. What I can't do is anything with my hands. Maybe I could manipulate a puppet, but that would be about it. I said puppet, not marionette.
The wife, on the other hand, installed shelving in the garage. While she was doing that I cleaned the litter box. The wife stripped two chairs and re-finished them. While she was doing that I took out the trash. "I bet you don't even pump your own gas!" Hey, the wife likes to do that for me. Get off of my back and my lawn.
When it comes to technology I am like that Tom Hanks character from Cast Away when he returns to civilization. Only I never was on a deserted island for ten years. I don't have an ATM card. I have a cell phone that I barely use. I don't want apps on my phone. The wife on the other hand has apps on her phone that tell her which restaurants in L.A. specializes in grits.
Yes, she knows how the automatic sprinklers turn on and off. Yes, she can record The Good Wife and I can't. Yes, as daylight savings time arrives, she can change the clock in my Prius. She orders our prescriptions with the push of a button on her phone. Hey, even yesterday I saw her deposit a check by taking a photo of it. I bet Penn and Teller couldn't do that.
As I mentioned earlier the wife knows how to deal with stuff. One of her favorite lines is, "May I talk to your supervisor". For years she has been called either Ma Barker or Scary Potter. Gloria Allred is afraid of her. She went to the local hospital and demanded an itemized bill once. Two of the hospital's employees were put on a "suicide watch" after dealing with her. By the way, $117 for a toothbrush, that was removed from the hospital bill.
Most people fear dealing with their cable company. Cable companies fear dealing with the wife. You can never quite win the war with Time Warner but the wife has won a few skirmishes with them. I think that we are now getting another Cinemax channel that shows a lot of breasts for no extra charge.
The wife actually took down Blue Shield health insurance once. That is the holy grail of victories as far as I am concerned. After the fourth or fifth time that you are put on hold they figure that you will give up. "Nobody puts Ma Barker into the corner." She got so far up the chain of command arguing her point that I think that she actually talked to Mr. Shield himself.
You are probably saying to yourself, "Where the hell is Simon when the wife is making all the calls? Having all these fights?" I make no apologies for my inactivity. Don't blame me for marrying well. I told you I didn't marry a hockey Mom. I never said I didn't marry a pit bull!
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