FOR RICHER, FOR POORER, FOR CALLING TIME WARNER

 Question:  What is the difference between a pit bull and a hockey Mom? Answer:  I don't know.  I didn't marry a hockey Mom.
 My wife's stock has definitely risen over the almost twenty years of marriage.  Let's say I went on Antique Roadshow and brought the wife to the bow-tied host.  I would have told him what I thought my wife's value was in 1993 when we were married.  His bow tie would begin to spin out of control.  Then he would have said to me to take a seat.  The almost-straight host would have compared the worth of my wife today to finding an original copy of the Magna Carta at a garage sale.
 The wife has mad skillz.  She can bake a corn pie and also parallel park.  She's an accomplished potter.    Very artistic.  We have no ceramic ash trays in the house.    She is a talented interior designer that knows how to spell the word sconce and install crown moulding.  While I am typing this she is hanging new curtains in the breakfast room.  She has two attributes that make me love her the most.  1. She is not challenged by technology.  2. She deals with stuff.
 My skill set is different than the wife's.  I am good at jesting.  I have the ability to find fault.  What I can't do is anything with my hands.  Maybe I could manipulate a puppet, but that would be about it.  I said puppet, not marionette.
 The wife, on the other hand, installed shelving in the garage.  While she was doing that I cleaned the litter box.  The wife stripped two chairs and re-finished them.  While she was doing that I took out the trash.  "I bet you don't even pump your own gas!"  Hey, the wife likes to do that for me.  Get off of my back and my lawn.
 When it comes to technology I am like that Tom Hanks character from Cast Away when he returns to civilization.  Only I never was on a deserted island for ten years.  I don't have an ATM card.  I have a cell phone that I barely use.  I don't want apps on my phone.  The wife on the other hand has apps on her phone that tell her which restaurants in L.A. specializes in grits.
 Yes, she knows how the automatic sprinklers turn on and off.  Yes, she can record The Good Wife and I can't.  Yes, as daylight savings time arrives, she can change the clock in my Prius.  She orders our prescriptions with the push of a button on her phone.  Hey, even yesterday I saw her deposit a check by taking a photo of it.  I bet Penn and Teller couldn't do that.
 As I mentioned earlier the wife knows how to deal with stuff.  One of her favorite lines is, "May I talk to your supervisor".  For years she has been called either Ma Barker or Scary Potter.  Gloria Allred is afraid of her.  She went to the local hospital and demanded an itemized bill once.  Two of the hospital's employees were put on a "suicide watch" after dealing with her.  By the way, $117 for a toothbrush, that was removed from the hospital bill.
 Most people fear dealing with their cable company.  Cable companies fear dealing with the wife.  You can never quite win the war with Time Warner but the wife has won a few skirmishes with them.  I think that we are now getting another Cinemax channel that shows  a lot of breasts for no extra charge.
 The wife actually took down Blue Shield health insurance once.  That is the holy grail of victories as far as I am concerned.  After the fourth or fifth time that you are put on hold they figure that you will give up.  "Nobody puts Ma Barker into the corner."  She got so far up the chain of command arguing her point that I think that she actually talked to Mr. Shield himself.
 You are probably saying to yourself, "Where the hell is Simon when the wife is making all the calls? Having all these fights?" I make no apologies for my inactivity.  Don't blame me for marrying well.   I told you I didn't marry a hockey Mom.  I never said I didn't marry a pit bull!