THE AGING OF AN AQUARIAN

 I long for the days when I got together with my buddies and we talked about girls and sports.  Smoked some weed and drank a ton of margaritas.  Now we talk about rotator cuffs and prostate issues.  Want to join us.  It's a fun night.
 I firmly believe that no one should truly exercise after the age of 35.  Yes, that includes pilates.  Oh sure, you can walk a couple of miles along the shoreline with your sweetie.   Perhaps, with help, lift up the office's Arrowhead bottle.  Take the trash cans out on Thursday.  Then have the wife bring them back in on Friday.  That's about it.
 No playing second base for the company softball team.  No pickup basketball games with the teenaged nephews.  No gym memberships.  Don't tell me you're still jogging at your age.  "I just completed a 10k." Great, you probably ruined a knee and did damage to your spleen.
 My Dad never exercised after the age of 35.  The only part of his body that was in shape was his right wrist.  Which he used countless times over the day striking matches to help support his 3 pack a day smoking habit.  All that striking and he never got carpal tunnel syndrome I might add.  His idea of a workout was getting in and out of my BMW.  He lived to the age of 86 without ever doing a sit up.
 In the sixties the Dads coached the kids.  There was no urge to shag a few fly balls.  They realized that there was a difference between themselves and their sons.  It was called age.  They weren't attending baseball fantasy camps where they could get a few autographs and pull a few hamstrings.  They didn't spend money on home gym equipment.  They were too busy saving their money for their kids' college education.  They worried less about their abs and more about putting food on the table for their families.  None of these Dads had a yoga mat in their station wagon.  These Dads were not fixated on vanity.  Most of them lived well into their eighties.  That's when their bodies began to break down.  Not while they were in their forties and fifties.
 It is my belief that Jack LaLanne and Jane Fonda actually were working for various medical organizations.  The more they got people to exercise - the more those people turned into patients.  I'm waiting for Richard Simmons to go on 20/20 to tell the truth.  "I was paid by orthopedic surgeons to tell fatties to jump up and down."
 My body has been trying to tell me to stop being a fool for the past couple of years.  I was one of those idiot joggers.  Pounding away on cement sidewalks thinking that I was indestructible.  Well, so much for that.
 The aches turn to pains.  You begin to hear terms like, "It's affecting C5 and C6."  Procedures turn into surgeries.  You are so upset that you are still years away from 65 and Medicare.  You stay away Paul Ryan.  Now all of your European vacation money is going into epidurals, co-pays and deductibles.
 I had neck fusion surgery this past December.  Everything is progressing well.  I am about a month away from being cleared to resume normal activity.  I'm hoping that normal activity means more than tying your shoes and eating corn on the cob.
 I have kind of ruled out jogging in the future.  Now, if you see me on the street, I will be one of those pitiful brisk walkers.  I have started to hit a few golf balls.  I'm not giving up that irritation.  Hopefully, I will resume playing tennis in about five weeks and praying that that lies within the boundaries of normal activity.
 I can only imagine all of the neighborhood Dads looking down on their moronic sons and mocking them.  Especially my Dad.   "Fine, do it your way.  Go on and play tennis at your age.  Crush that serve.  Leap for that overhead.  You're about a minute away from not being able to put on a sweater by yourself ever again."