'Tis the season. The rains have returned after taking much of the year off. Here we go again. Everybody starts to drive like Sam Kinison when the slickness appears. News stories about mudslides in places like Acton or Tujunga Canyon dominate the airwaves. You kinda feel sorry for those homeowners, but also wonder - why the hell would you ever live in Acton? Plus, we have the reappearance of God's precious divots.
Divots? We know them better as potholes. Nature's way of messing with a Prius' front end. Our streets look like Robert DiNiro's face in Raging Bull. I'm positive that some droned avenues in Tripoli are in better shape than Wilshire Blvd.
You know, at my age, I am a hernia waiting to happen. Every time that I hit a bump in the road there is one less opportunity for me in the Cialis hot tub. I certainly have a vested interest in the necessary street repairs. This is not road rage. This is raging at the road. Let's do something!
This past February, after a couple of days of flooding and Malibu closures, my wife drove to the local UPS store. Normally an uneventful trip. It's about a mile and a half and six homeless people away from where we live. The recent rains had wreaked damage to our roadways; yet my wife did not feel that her short sojourn would turn into an off-road adventure better suited for Baja.
She wasn't driving at a Danica Patrick pace. The wife always drives responsibly. She has blue tooth. She pays attention. At the first pothole she navigated around it successfully. She might have shaken a fist at it too. At this point there was no need for the middle finger to be used. That would happen soon enough when she slammed into the next pothole. By slamming, I mean about $700 worth of slamming.
Auto insurance is like the drunken brother of health insurance. Logic is never written into one of their policies. Mr. Auto Insurance refers to potholes as stationery objects. The driver is considered 100% at fault. Their rules not ours. Call the city they say. "You might get some money back." They don't say call the city with much conviction.
This past winter a crater appeared at the bottom of our driveway. We figured the chance of getting anyone from the city to come to our burb was minimal. Normal channels are not for sissies. I went to my best option. The wife's authoritarian voice. She actually got a human being on the phone and proceeded to scare the lack of concern out of the disgruntled city employee. Within a couple of weeks a crew actually showed up at the bottom of our driveway. I found this to be about as surprising as Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa missing a photo op.
The "crew" filled the driveway crater. Of course, they used the same crap that washes away the minute the clouds start spritzing. I'd like to know who runs that tar ponzi scheme. The workers told us that this would only be a short time fix. Next time it happens, just go to Home Depot and get some quikrete blacktop repair. Don't tell the city. Just do it yourself.
This doesn't work for me. I don't do well in Home Depot. I hyperventilate when I see men with tape measures. I get lost in a maze of ladders. Think Macaulay Culkin without skillz. I'm not purchasing orange cones. Another approach is needed.
After careful consideration...I say that we embrace the potholes. That's right you heard me. Call them our city treasures. Raise money for their preservation. Put them in the travel brochures with the Hollywood sign and Pink's. Visit L.A.'s "Smokin' Potholes". Celebrate "Sinkhole de Mayo". Time for a ballot initiative to Legalize Potholes. Instill public fervor.
Ok, sarcasm can only go so far. But, maybe through some national public humiliation our city might actually do something. The Mayor currently has a proposal in front of the city council that uses future transportation monies to repair the city streets. So much for that bullet train to Van Nuys. While the Mayor and the City Council blah blah that idea to death, let's get the citizenry to help out now. That's right, the citizenry must do its part too. Holy Republicanism! I have figured out who that citizenry should be. The ones that are in a financial position to help out right away. Some pocket-rich biggies.
For starters, how about AEG and the potential new owners of the Dodgers? You know AEG - the Staples Center guys. Hey AEG - we less than pocket-rich biggies are letting you build a multi-purpose stadium downtown - that will create future traffic nightmares - here's a thought - while you are waiting for the all important environmental approvals to start building - how about filling every pothole in the city? Hey, Mark Cuban and others - you want to buy the Dodgers - start pouring the tar. Then we could support you and your efforts to bring Albert Pujols to L.A..
AEG and the Dodgers' potential new owners have a lot of money. Our streets have a lot of holes. While we wait for the local politics to sort itself out this private funding sounds like a win win. A mediocre football team re-locates to our city. The McCourts leave town. Our streets return to some form of normalcy. But what about the people of Acton? Call Jerry Buss.
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