HAPPY FACEBOOK TO YOU

 It is the day after my birthday and I am doing what every other person with an ipad would be doing - checking my facebook friends list to see who didn't wish me a happy birthday.  I know that sounds very fourth grade, but that is what facebook birthdays really are.
 My fourth grade birthday helped me achieve celebrity status for one day with my classmates.  The grammar school ridicule that I was normally subjected to was put on hold.  I was treated like royalty during recess.  One downside was that the whole "pinch to grow an inch" thing got out of hand.  I needed an infusion of bactine to bring down the swelling.  Years later I learned that one of the more aggressive pinchers became a lyricist.  Janet, the beyond cherub, gave me a mushy birthday card.  Which led to teasing and insults that still haunt me to this day.  Kathy, the cutest girl in the world, still paid no attention to me.  I guess butch wax wasn't her thing.
 There was usually a party that weekend to continue the celebration.  Mostly little league teammates.  No girls were invited.  I'm sure the lyricist was there.  Always a store bought cake.  It would be over-decorated with little baseball players atop it that you could actually eat.  Nothing like munching on a tiny chocolate mitt and washing it down with a tumbler full of Hawaiian punch.  Those are two very combative food groups.
 I would open my gifts and never hide the disappointment.  I was a very blunt fourth grader.  Even then I enjoyed disdain.  But really,  how should I have acted?  It was a sweater vest!!! I wanted something from Mattel.  I didn't want to look like Andy Williams.  Where the hell was my water wiggle?
 A few games were played.  None of them involved skill.  Pin the tail on the donkey.  Musical chairs.  Hide your Grandma's teeth.  I would win most of the contests.  Years later I found out that the fix was in.  My Dad had tipped the scales in my favor.  That day was probably the only time in my Dad's life where I actually met his expectations
 Being on Facebook has allowed me once again to achieve that celebrity status on my birthday.  This past  Monday my everyday ridicule was put on hold.  I was treated like royalty during my recess.  Okay grownups don't call it recess.  They call it unemployment.  Most of the day I received only self-inflicted pinchings.  I guess there were some differences between now and the fourth grade.
 But, quicker than you could say Mark Zuckerberg,  the Facebook shoutouts on my special day came in fast and furious.  I started out being grateful but that changed.  The shoutouts lacked cleverness.   I worked in show business for a long time.  My friends on Facebook included people that had been nominated for Emmy Awards.  You would think that I would get the most creative salutations.  I got 97 Happy Birthdays.  Personalization was not at a premium.  "Have a great day!" I deleted 27 of the non-creators from my friends list.
 I did have a nice  Facebook birthday greeting from an old college buddy.  It's too bad that now he is an Evangelical that lives in an Aryan gated community in Idaho.  He believes that conception begins when you respond to an email.  My favorite best wishes came from an ex-girlfriend, "Happy Birthday.  We're not getting back together."  That sums it up rather well.
 Look, when I see someone's birthday on Facebook it is a tough decision for me as to whether I want to participate.  "I met this person in my office 19 years ago - does he really warrant a birthday greeting?" If I do wish this "friend" a happy birthday - please don't let it lead to anything else I hope.  I don't want to follow up.  Hate to follow up.  One of my Facebook friend's brithday is coming up and I don't want to send him the "wishes".  It is the debate within because I have known him forever.  I don't dislike him.  It'll lead to follow up status.  I know it will.  I just don't want to start up.  Like I said; nothing against him.  He is a talented lyricist.